Failure is an option

I have stuttered all my life.  I am 40 years old and a father of three girls age 15, 11, and 10.  Married to my beautiful wife for more than 18 years, we are best friends and share the common bond of loving Jesus and letting Him lead in our lives.

I consider myself a severe stutterer, or PWS, or whatever term you identify with. I stutter.  I can stutter quite a bit at times, depending on the circumstances.  The "circumstances" I am referring to here can be the physical environment, my mood and thought processes, and the current state of my home life, to name a few but most important factors.

My wife has health struggles: her fibromyalgia is constant and does not let her go through a day without demanding she pay up her daily dose of physical suffering.  If her body pain has decided to tone down for the day, often her chronic migraines kick in and she takes rescue medications to knock her out and flip to a world of lesser pain but that often warps the mind and adds confusion and mental fatigue to the spasms and soreness she is already dealing with.

As my wife doesn't work, I am the provider.  I take on this role wholeheartedly and thank God for the opportunities He has given me.  Ultimately I understand God is in control and although I can freak myself out at times by thinking of the many responsibilities I have to my family, I can take comfort in the fact God is the ultimate leader of our family and worrying about all the life stresses will only detract from what I am trying to accomplish.

I fail often.  I fail at being the best father and example to my girls I can be.  I fail at being the best husband I can be.  I fail at not letting my stutter get to me and occupy space in my mind where it is not welcome.  I have failed in the past and will fail again.  After each step back, through prayer and petition, I pick myself up and try again.

I have gone through a number of trials, as has my wife.  The frustration and annoyance I can feel with my stutter pales in comparison to the constant pain and medical sedation she is forced to go through. We can take comfort rolling through this journey together; that whatever bumps and roadblocks pop up along the way are put there for a reason, and whatever tumult we go through will add to our strength.